Struggling, struggling but staying as much on course as possible. It has been hard the last week, I have been craving things that I don't want to eat. To pass up on these cravings I have substituted as much as possible healthier choices, an apple, popcorn or even a small piece of chocolate (no woman should ever be expected to live without chocolate). But I still feel like I am failing some days. I know I am not, I know I am still moving forward and that this journey was never meant to be easy. If losing the weight were easy, I would never have gained it all back.
So I have been trying to think about what has brought about the struggle. And it is weird, some of it is obvious, stress about work, kids, life in general. But some of it is my own personal demons and again it is hard to understand sometimes. Why is it that a call from my dad telling me he is proud of the weight I have lost makes me feel like a failure? Maybe that is something other people just can't understand, even I struggle to understand why I feel this way. But I really spent the time to try and understand, one thing I have learned is that I have to understand what causes me to crave for and reach for food for comfort. And I know that even though he means well, and I know he means every word and is wanting to encourage me, it makes me feel like I have failed him by letting myself get to this point. I hate knowing that they worry about me, they don't need to worry about me at this time in their lives, they should be enjoying themselves.
So I understand that issue, now I have to move forward. I think really, the only way I will feel better is to actually make myself proud. I don't find losing 16+ pounds that successful when I have another 50 to lose. I have done this before in the last year where I lose 20lbs then seem to just lose focus and put it back on, and more. So I am trying to just work through this place and this feeling to keep moving forward with my journey.
I struggle a lot with control issues and sharing my feelings with people. This also is a large part of my problems and what has brought me back to a place I never wanted to be weight and health wise. So I decided I need to be more open with myself and share these feelings good or bad with other people to prove to myself that it is okay to struggle, it is okay to have hard times, but I need to always stay focused on my long term health.
So this week was tough, my son continues to make choices that I think are destructive and that go against so much of what I believe in and nothing seems to change that. I worry about him and the choices I am going to have to make in the next few months about how to deal with him. It is hard to focus on my own health when I worry so much about him.
And now my sleep pattern has been all messed up, I have not slept well this week due to the stress and it all came to a head last night. My mother suffers from occasional attacks of vertigo that are so severe she has to go to the hospital for fluids and special anti-nausea medicine. Last night we got a call from my dad that she had a bad attack while they were leading their dance class. The kids and I went over (luckily it is about 15 minutes from us) and we helped pack them up and get her into the car. My daughter and I then brought my dad food in the hospital for while he was waiting so he would not get a migraine and end up as sick as she was. We did not get home until after 1AM and the dogs were all riled up from being left alone. It took well over an hour to get them relaxed enough to sleep, but by then it was just not possible for me to get the rest I need.
So this morning was rough, trying to sleep while getting the dogs run and fed and then settled back down just does not happen easily. And it is not their fault, they don't know any better they only know it is sunny and warm and they need to pee and run around. So I adjusted my food a bit to make up for a missed meal. Worst part is that between the stress, lack of sleep and weird eating I have a migraine I can feel coming on so I had to take some medicine to head it off. Now I think an afternoon nap may help for today.
I hope to just maintain my weight loss for this week, I really have no hope of losing weight with all that went on, but I hope that I at least have maintained and next week I can get back on track.
See, I told you I would not post every day, but when I vent it will all come out. I think it is only fair to share the struggles and the successes, this is real life, nothing is easy and I think the only way to truly inspire people is to share both.
Have a happy & healthy day!
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